Letting Go and Staying Connected
A Guide for Parents*
University Counseling Center
201 Dempsey Hall
University of Wisconsin Oshkosh
Oshkosh, WI 54901

920-424-2061
8:00AM - 4:30PM Daily

"Parents have to decide if they can let go and live with the choices their children are going to make. College isn't about what parents expect - it's about what their son or daughter expects."

Jonathan D. Lewis, senior psychologist
University of Delaware Center for Counseling and Student Development

Introduction
Readiness for Transition
Their First Weeks on Campus
What if I Didn't Go to College?
Cultivating Support for Parents
Being a Parent Changes at Every Stage
Additional Tips

Introduction

The following information is for parents* whose students are thinking about college, are starting college soon, are changing their mind (again) about college or are in their first year of college. It is common to focus on your son or daughter's needs during the transition to college. What about your needs, worries and questions? Their departure, whether your first, second or fifth child leaving home, is also a transition for you. You are still a parent. Your job is not done but your role will change. This brochure addresses what to expect.

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* By "parent" we are referring to caretakers including grandparents, an older brother or sister who has been a caretaker, adoptive and/or step parents, legal guardians and anyone who raised and nurtured the student starting college.

Readiness for the Transition

The months and days before your son or daughter departs for college is not an easy time for you. If your first son or daughter is going to college the transition represents a change that you haven't dealt with before. You aren't sure what to expect of them or of you. If you have been through this you may feel more confident but also nostalgic. Saying goodbye is never easy. In the book "Letting Go," Coburn and Treeger, (1992) present two viewpoints of a son or daughter's departure. The college student says: "Leave me alone. Stop reminding me that I am growing up and leaving" while the parent says: "I'm not so sure you're ready to leave. I'm not so sure you can make it without me" (p.99). The different perspectives sometimes lead to difficulties in understanding where the other is coming from. There is no right time for a parent to let go. It has been and will continue to be an ongoing process. All of the preparatory work has already occurred. It is time now for your son or daughter to take the next step.

But you still wonder, "Are they ready?" You know your son or daughter best, and ultimately you are the only one (other than your son or daughter) who can answer that question. Some students don't seem to be ready, but they will thrive at college. On the other extreme some who seem quite mature have a difficult time making the adjustment. It is most likely that your son or daughter is ready in some ways and unsure in other ways.

This transition is a balancing act. Here are some issues in which you might want to be aware:

You:

• let go and be present enough to be responsive.
• allow them to assume responsibility for their life while you provide a safety net.
• have set the stage for your changing relationship over the last eighteen years.

They:

• want to be left alone but not abandoned.
• want you to be there but may not be responsive to your needs or worries.
• may want to test or defy your values but not incur your anger.

Recommendations:

Expect some raw and mixed emotions (excitement, pride, guilt, sadness.) Recognize that these feelings are normal.

• Allow yourself to feel the emotions that come up. Don't minimize them.
• Be consistent and reassuring. Step back but be there for them.
• Recognize that the responsibility of getting ready for college, in large part rests with your son or daughter.
• Temper reactions to room assignments, meal decisions and other specifics that are part of the plans
• Keep discussion ongoing. Talk about how your son or daughter will keep in touch.
• Discuss financial matters with your son and daughter and be realistic.
• Something besides fear of displeasing you must motivate your son or daughter. Make room for new motivations.
• Above all else, keep communication open.
  

  Their First Weeks on Campus

Once they leave, your worry kicks in big time! Parents may experience a sense of helplessness because they don't know what is going on with their son or daughter. The best you can do is to expect and accept those feelings of helplessness. It is not a passive position. (You are actively turning over the reins of responsibility to your son or daughter.)

Young people between the ages of 17-22 are facing one of the biggest developmental hurdles in their lives. "When adults later consider the most important events in their lives, they most often name events that took place during this period" (Arnett, 2000).1 That's because your son or daughter will learn to assume the responsibility for his or her own life. That's it, that's exactly what you worry about isn't it? Will they do their laundry? Will they only eat pizza, or salad, or potato chips? What kind of decisions will they make for themselves? What about sex and drugs?

In the first weeks and months of college, young adults typically have one foot in, and one foot out of their home. They want you to take care of them and they want you to let them do it themselves. Knowing which is when and how you can be helpful fluctuates constantly. That's where your patience comes in. There are no right or wrong answers and no specific how-to manual.

Recommendations:

• Let your son or daughter know you are there for them if they need help
• Be there for them when they call.
• Recognize that distress one night may be forgotten by the weekend.
• Recognize your son or daughter may make mistakes and those mistakes are part of their growth. You can't and don't want to prevent that process. You do want to cushion the pain if possible.
• Consider set times for weekly phone calls.
• Students find e-mail a convenient way to stay in touch and you can think about your response before you reply.
• Manage your worry. It doesn't help students to become autonomous if they feel they need to do something so you don't worry.
• Expect your son or daughter to be disoriented during the first few days.

"What if I didn't go to College?"

It is hard to be equipped for an adventure when you haven't gone through it yourself but that is part of your growth. Sending a son or daughter to college opens a world of opportunities for them. No doubt you are proud of your son or daughter. If you didn't go to college, they will have an opportunity that you didn't have. Some students feel guilty for having an opportunity that you haven't had. Some believe they don't deserve to go to college, don't need it or don't even want it. They may have very mixed feelings about attending college. Recognize that college may not be a good fit for them now and regardless of the way they are feeling, encourage them to form connections at UW Oshkosh so they don't feel alone. Remind them about their residence hall community advisor as a resource for connections on campus. If they live off campus, have them look into student organizations at the Dean of Students Office or the Student Union. Remember, there are no simple answers to getting involved and feeling connected on campus, so above all be a good listener and let them know that you care. Sometimes, the best thing a parent can do is just let their son or daughter vent and trust that they will come up with solutions on their own.

Recommendations:

• You will probably hear some stories about college life that alarm you. Telling these stories may be a way for your son or daughter to learn to master their fears about going to college.
• Cope with the feeling of not knowing how things work by being prepared with information on campus resources. Call people on campus and ask questions.
• Students get discouraged and tired. Know that they may become disheartened and be prepared to support and encourage them. Students want to know you will be candid with them.
• Some students get homesick. Homesickness often subsides after the first few weeks. Ironically, staying on campus is likely to help the student make friends and feel more comfortable, more quickly.
  
  Cultivating Support

Your son and daughter is making new friends and facing new opportunities. You too benefit from a support system of family and friends. You are used to the role of mother/father and letting go may be more difficult than you anticipate. Talk to other parents, take advantage of university sponsored orientation programs, talk to parents from your hometown and exchange phone numbers. As a parent, it is reassuring to realize other parents feel the same way.

Recommendations:

• Find a creative outlet for yourself.
• Make new friends.
• Make wellness a goal for you about improving diet, sleep and exercise.
• Go to orientation. Be familiar with campus resources.
• Expect sibling relationships to shift.

Being a Parent Changes at Every Stage

"In order for parents to enjoy an adult relationship with their grown children, it is important to remain connected throughout the letting go process. With infants, it means responding to their needs promptly. With toddlers, it means letting them try, allowing them to fail, and showing them how to do things over and over again. With school children, it means letting them participate and being there to watch and support them. With teens, it means allowing them to make choices within safe limits and allowing them to experience the consequences of their choices while offering support."2

What does being a parent mean with young adults?
Balancing their need to be taken care of with their need to call the shots?
Giving your blessing?
Sharing each other's journey?
Saying I love you and I am proud of you?

.Additional Tips

Do's

• Attend Fall Fest (third weekend in September) with your son or daughter.
• Visit at infrequent prearranged times.
• Encourage them to make connections on campus, especially on the weekends, so they become a part of the college community.
• Ask open-ended questions.
• Become a friend and support.
• Realize that your son or daughter is growing up in a world different than your own. Your role is to come to understand that world and appreciate it through your son or daughter's eyes.
• Send care packages with cookies, treats, etc.
• Be realistic about academic success. College can be much harder than high school for some students. Remember students are learning more than a subject. They are learning to work independently, set their own schedules and focus by their own volition.
• Ask for help proactively if you believe your son or daughter is in distress.

Don't

• give away their room initially and until you talk it through
• visit unannounced
  
  References

1 Arnett, J. (May, 2000). "Emerging adulthood: A theory of development from the late teens through the twenties." American Psychologist. 55(35), 469-479.)

2 Ohio State University Extension Fact Sheet: Family and Consumer Science. 'Parenting Means Letting Go,' Marilyn A. Sachs.